Captain's Log...Stardate Whatever

Well, i found this on abby's live journal, and figured i'd fill it out...

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 01:17:18 GMT

I AM: The man, the one, the only...Brandon *throws microphone at the person who left*
I WANT: the World...for starters.
I HAVE: to piss.
I WISH: there was a toilet by me, but that plant may have to do.
I HATE: ....well...if you need this answered, then nevermind.
I FEAR: the possibility of walking in on my sister and her boyfriend.
I HEAR: a lot of noises coming from abby's room late at night.
I SEARCH: for a camera to tape it with.
I WONDER: if death is really the only way to understand a female.
I REGRET: to tell you to refer to the "i hate" reference.
I LOVE: the look on people's face when i do my "normally I use my left hand" comment and crack my left wrist.
I ACHE: from working out for an hour doing weights after 6 weeks of slacking.
I ALWAYS: get screwed over by the girl just when i think things are going good.
I AM NOT: gay, mexican, chinese, or a herscher tiger anymore.
I DANCE: in the booth of movies 10.
I SING: every time the music is loud enough to cover my voice.
I CRY: each and every time Tim makes a pass at me.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: as fucked up as it may seem. Well, maybe I am.
I WRITE: all my papers with about 99% bullshit.
I WIN: when he is on the floor, bleeding his heart out.
I LOSE: the girl.
I CONFUSE: people with how i act.
I NEED: to stop walking this line of light and darkness.
I SHOULD: get back to work. Ah fuck it.
YES or NO: Depends on the question. Anyone else not suprised Abby cant say no?
YOU KEEP A DIARY: Not as well as I should
YOU LIKE TO COOK: when there is no other choice.
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Yah, and that is all you I'm gonna tell ya, so stop prying.
YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: Not sure, but lust is pretty common practice.
THE WEIRDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: anyone i hung out with in high school. Nuff said.
THE LOUDEST PERSON YOU KNOW: Well, it isnt my ex...thats for sure. The only thing she would say during sex was "Ok, i'm done." So therefore, I'd have to go with Timmy....for different reasons of course.
THE SEXIEST PERSON YOU KNOW: *Looks around* ME!!!
THE CUTEST PERSON YOU KNOW: *shakes head* I refuse to answer this question on grounds of incriminating evidence.
CLOSEST FRIEND: My dad. Nuff said.
THE PERSON THAT KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT YOU: My dad again.
THE LAST IMAGE/THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: probably the porn I was looking at, watching, or making.
INSIDE JOKE: *pst psst pst psstttt pssttttss*

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: Yah. Always do. gotta hope for something.
WANT TO GET MARRIED: I think we are going a little fast to be talking about that already...dont you?
GET MOTION SICKNESS: Is alcoholic beverages included in this question?
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: *chews on cashews and chocolate* Yep...
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: *points finger up*
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: Hell yah...so many ways to get a girl wet...
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: For once, it is natural. Cant say I wont go crazy again this summer.
EYE COLOR: brown.
BIRTHPLACE: Riverside Hospital, Kankakee, IL

FAVORITES:
NUMBER: 1
COLOR: Red/black combo
DAY: Wednesday...Smallville's on you sons of bitches...hell yah.
MONTH: September. Birthday month.
SONG(S): Lets talk about sex. Man that was great when me and Dave (sister's bf) karokeed that song. Nothing like 2 drunk guys who cant hold their liquor singing.
SEASON: Summer...pool...nuff said.
DRINK: Water....not what you expected huh?

PREFERENCES:

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: Cant we do both?
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: chocolate milk. Wont burn your legs to fuckin smitherines when you spill it.
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: Milk. Once again, not suprised at Abby's comment.
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Depends on what I'm eatin it with ;)...

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...

CRIED? Fuck that shit.
HELPED SOMEONE? Myself...that count?
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Lunch
GOTTEN SICK? Yah...of some of these questions.
GONE TO THE MOVIES? Dont get me started.
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? And who the fuck am I suposed to do that with?
SAID 'i love you'?: *points to the question above*
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: Yah right. Have you seen how much postage stamps are now a days?
TALKED TO AN EX?: Fuck no, lets keep it that way.
MISSED AN EX? : Yah, the bitch wouldnt stand still.
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: You dumb fuck, thats what I'm doing. Who the hell came up with these questions?
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: Define serious...
MISSED SOMEONE? Like I said, the bitch wouldn't stop movin.
HUGGED SOMEONE? Yah. My mom gave me a hug when I got home last night after she found out what happened Friday.....Wait...cant talk about that yet.
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? Had to pry my mom off.
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? I prefer stealth tactics to full asults...though full frontals are nice.

Have you ever:
1. Ate a bug?: Protein man, protein.
2. Bungee jumped?: Nope
Where the fuck did number 3 go, I wanna know what this damn question is.
4. Killed someone? Do I really look dumb enough to admit that after all the interagation I had to go though?
5. Kissed someone of the same sex? *throws up after hearing Abby's answer and looking at the question*
6. Had sex with someone of the same sex?: Lets put it this way...my ass is a one way street and my dick is female selected.
7. Parachute from a plane? Not yet...just hope I remember to bring it with.
8. Walked on hot coals? Fuckers didnt tell me they were there.
9. Gone out with someone for their looks? Do you remember what Abby said...well there ya go.
Ok...now where the fuck is 10? I swear the person who made this is a complete fucking moron.
11. Been a vegetarian? Fuck that. There is not a single guy who has had oral sex who can call himself a veggie...
12. Wear plaid with stripes? What do I look like? Abby?
13. IMed a stranger?: Hell yah...they dont know who you are.
14. Sing Karaoke? *points to favorite song* question
15. Been drunk off your ass? *points to favorite song* question
16. Shoplifted? Of a manner....yes.
17. Ran a red light? What...we are suposed to stop?
18. Star in a porn video? Nah...I'd call it a secondary character. They didnt like my acting, but the actor was too....small...
19. Dye your hair blue? That's one color I havent.
20. Be on Survivor? I hate reality tv.
21. Wear makeup in public?: Yep. Show choir...the only downer.
22. Not wear makeup in public? *remembers that horrific day Abby did that and shudders*
23. Cheat on a test? Come on, who hasnt?
24. Made someone cry? Yep, the real question is...Did I enjoy doing it?
25. Dated someone more than 10 years older than you? no...*looks at Tim*
26. Stayed up all night? Far too often.

this is where I talk about everything.....

Wed, 21 Jul 2004 04:49:55 GMT

so i want some replies to it.

Wow. Where do I start? I have been so busy lately. Well I guess I'll start with the good stuff. If any of you took the time to read my PTK post, you know I am the president of KCC's chapter now. I went to that convention over the weekend and will tell you about it. I got down there super early Thursday. I mean so early that I had 5 hours to kill before anythign happened. So I start roaming the town. End up coming by a hooters. THEY HAD A BIKINI CAR WASH...BIKINIS...HOOTERS...HEAVEN. Ended up goin by there more times than fingers on my hand. Anyway, I had a nice meal that night and went to this theater thing. IT was awsome. The girls in it were...YUM. Front rown and one song they were just like "shake it baby". So the next day we have a bunch of seminars. After I saw others sleepin I dozed off a bit myself. That night we went to this arcade. 3 HOURS OF FREE PLAY. They even had a rock climbing wall. I tried it, but only got half way up. But considerign I was in my black leather sketchers and they put me on the hardest side, I was pretty proud of my self. It was fun to just jump off too. So Saturday was more seminars and a baseball game. Pretty fun times. Sunday I came home, worst part of the trip I think. LOL...Dont get me wrong, I like bein here, but the freedom was...well..intoxicating. Man, there were some girls down there. Naturally they are named the only names in my vocabulary it seems.....Jessica and Danielle, going by Danny. So anyway, I'm home. I am taking a summer class that ends next Thursday, THANK GOD. I am also working at the library at KCC. It's easy money. I help my dad with his paper route on Sunday morning...more easy money. I now got a job at Movies 10.....god I'm gonna be buying a lot of toys. Even if i wanted a gf, I dont have time right now. Anyway....what other news can I say? Ah hell, I'll get back to ya.

Phi Theta Kappa

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 03:45:15 GMT

Well, for those of you who dont know, Phi Theta Kappa is an international honors soceity for the 2 year college. KCC's chapter, Alpha Delta Eta, is the chapter I am a member of, and now president of. Anyway, I went to a 4 day convention over the weekend, and it was a blast. Didnt know a soul, had a hotel room to myself, and everything was paid for....god i love free shit.

ok....get this....

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 03:38:44 GMT

ok....i was havin a pretty good day....didnt get up until 11...watched some smallville....good day ya know. Well on tuesday and thursday I have a night class, so as I'm headin there the car dies....i had to walk a mile to get to a pay phone, walk back....deal with a cop....finally my uncle drops me off for class....I had 90 minutes to do a 2 hour test. I should go get drunk...that sounds fun...anyone wanna join?

I'm tired of all this...

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 01:37:32 GMT

Yeah... I know you probably think that this is just another boring "i'm gonna tell you how depressed I am" speech. WELL ITS NOT. I'm tired of being depressed....its old and worthless (like ~insert any name here~'s dick). I have came to the realization over the past few weeks that I've been a dick, and I wish to appologize. I do admit that I changed when Magner Bitch (yes, that is how I shall refer to her) told me she was pregnant, and I changed even more when I found out that the child of Magner Bitch wasnt mine. I closed myself off from everyone and everything. However, one thing that most people dont put into the equation is that only a few weeks after I had proof about the baby, my dog died, and any one who knows me knows that my dog meant more to me than just about anything else (I'm sorry timmy...wah wah). Anyway, to celebrate my new change of attitude, I shall be accepting donations of full frontal nudity...(NO GUYS, NOT YOU...PUT YOUR SHIRTS BACK ON...TIM...PANTS TOO YOU SICK FUCK). Ah, thats better. I've also decided I dont want, or need a girl right now. I have many reasons for this as I'm about ready to say. First of all, they are a waste of time and money. Well, the time I dont mind, but damn it, I need the money for my toys. Speaking of which, i got the zeo rangers today, which means I only need the origional, space, lost galaxy, and lightspeed rescue rangers and the figure part of the collection will be complete. Back to my ranting and raving...I like alcohol. I really do....its fun to drink, its fun to watch other people drink....and it has helped people get laid for hundreds of years, although you never wanna be the one who drinks more....that way when they pass out you can still sneak outta there. Ya know what else I know....being 19 sucks....it has no purpose. You feel guility if you talk to any one under 18. 20 is also gonna suck...I wont be a teenager any more, but still wont be old enough to drink (legally). Anyway, another reason why I dont need a girlfriend is this. I'm tired of gettin turned down. I dont pity myself...I pitty them. I dont give a shit what bull shit excuse they used....(and yes..this is where I name them all, with the name of the girl cause quite frankly..I dont give a shit)...."My mom thinks prom is about getting drunk and having sex" Vita. (a day later she started dating a guy from Bradley and went to his prom the following week.) "Sorry, I was really busy and forgot." Ellen (wow...long distance travel to surprise a girl just dont get you what it used to....and btw...BULL SHIT). "Sorry, I have a boyfriend now." Sam. (oh come on...if you didnt wanna go...just say so) "I dont wanna seem mean, but you are bugging me. If I need to talk to you, I'll IM you." Amanda (Wow, compliments are bugging you? WTF. Find your own date to winter ball Biatch) "I dont wanna ruin the friendship" Jessica. (Friendships were made to be ruined. You did it when you lied to me for 2 months after that. And if you are gonna give a excuse...put some thought into it....even Vita gave a better one, although she was stupid enough to show it was a lie the next day). Phew, thats over with. Anyway, I pitty them. Heres why:
1. They are losing one hell of a guy. I'm smart, I'm funny, I DONT HAVE CHILDREN, BUT DO WANT THEM, I have a future.
2. I can actually treat you with the respect you deserve.
3. Once it gets to it, I've got the stamina of the energizer bunny...I keep goin and goin and goin.
4. I'm not gonna push you into anything to fast.
5. The reason why? The thing I enjoy most is CUDDLING...yes I admit it.
Anyway, the final reason why I'm not looking for a girl is that this way I dont feel guility when I check them out, granted I know they are of an age that wont send me to jail, without passing go, and without collecting 200 dollars.

Whats new with me

Mon, 17 May 2004 03:33:57 GMT

well....spring semester is over.....*gets rope out*....i've been painting a lot of my toys, customizing tthem to what they are suposed to be. i'm gettin nprety good at it. my sister is graduating in a few weeks (aka i'm gonna get drunk and probably hit on her friends). um...what else...um..still single (and in other news hell is hot).....hell..i dont know what else to say....write me and ask or something

Which is better?

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 23:04:08 GMT

Tell me...what is better?

To think you know the truth?

or

to know what you thought actually was the truth?

Take a moment and think about that.

If anyone replys, i'll say why I asked this.

Here I am again...

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 06:19:43 GMT

Writing down all my problems. Its funny. The only people who have read, and who also showed general concern, are people I never see. Its funny how someone can say "I'm there for you" when all you can do them is chat over a messenger program. You cant see their face, hear them laugh at something, see them smile, or give that wierd little grinny thing that all girls seem to know how to do naturally. They can't hold you when you are sad and need a shoulder to cry on. You can't even listen to the different pitches in their voice to signify how they feel. All you see are words, a lot of times misspelled words at that. I looked at some of my senior pictures the other day, the ones taken for the year book over the summer, not the ones taken to give people later in November. I looked so young, so full of life, so....happy. I didn't have a care in the world. Now....now I feel like i'm wore out, not physically, but emotionally. How I still find the strength to get up every day I dont know.

I know I'm alone

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 01:38:29 GMT

And I hate it. The only person I've ever had, the only one I've ever loved basically killed me. I've tried to reach out, but all I ever find is pain. Is it my pain that I find in them, or new pain to add to my own? I'm tired of putting on a smile. What does it get me? Someone to talk to when, and only when, it is convinent to them? What's the point? As soon as i'm gone i know they arent thinking about me. All I want is to have someone care for me, to think about me when I'm not there, and smile at me when I am. Not smiling becasue i said something funny, or did something stupid, just smile because i'm there with them.

Here I am again

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 12:53:30 GMT

Well, I'm not sure why I'm posting right now. Maybe because I'm tired, or have nothing to do, or lonely (like that ever happens to me...yeah right). I'm just sitting here at school with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Maybe its just the tiredness, but I feel like I'm slipping more, losing touch with reality. Some people have that feeling that they dont belong every know and then, but I have that every day. They are getting stronger too. Sometimes it feels like I could just walk outside and fly away from here. I only wish. I don't know where I'd go, but it would be away from here. I doubt I'd tell anyone either. I mean, something like that, I don't think I could trust anyone, and even if I could, it would only put them in danger. Even if I'm never able to do that though, they dont live in my world. I live in theirs. I always have. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever die. I'm not going into details, but there are three different times in my life that I should have died. The first one I was pulled back by my cousin. The other two...I was alone. I should have died both those nights, but I didn't. Maybe I can't die. Maybe heaven, if there is such a place, doesn't want me. Maybe I'm just living out my destiny, to be alone.

What is the point?...

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 03:22:58 GMT

I've often wondered what the point of life is. Why are we here? Why do we, in universal terms, live for only the blink of an eye? Then it hit me. The point is that there is no meaningful point. The truth is that nothing we do matters, but all that matters is what we do. Too many people try to deny themselves the pleasure that they should enjoy. Give in already. Go get laid, get drunk, get a life. You wont be judged when you die, you will be forgotten, sooner or later. Hell, I'm already forgotten now, so it doesnt matter. After all, life has two purposes. You live, then you die. Beyond that, nothing else matters.

I came to a realization today

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 04:47:12 GMT

I know that I am not the "true friend" to anyone, or have a "true friend" either. I've often wondered why. Today I finally realized it. I am nothing. Before you go off getting freaked out, hear me out first. I was one of the smartest students in my high school, yet my best friends, the guys I hung out with, bless their hearts, were some of the dumbest, slowest, or most perverted guys I will ever meet. I guess you could say these corruptions infected me and stuck with me after I left there. They corrupted me early too, as I knew I had to be like them if I was to get along with them. The only thing is that I had to act like that, even though after a time it came naturally, but them, they were like that. That was who they are. Now I'm in college, and friends with new people who can only be described as the exact opposite. Once again I find myself changing trying to act in a manner that is suitable to them. The truth of the matter is I dont know who I am. I can act in any manner to please anyone who is around me, but as soon as they arent around me I'm not thought of, not that important. Today I was talking to a friend from high school when two different college friends came up, and I could see the differences in front of me, the fire and ice, the night and day. I am neither one of them from high school or one of them from college. I am nobody.

Guess I better right more stuff

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 03:20:16 GMT

Well, I've decided to come back and write more. I dont know why though, I should be doing homework. Ive been working lately on my power ranger collection more, as it seems to be the only stable thing in my life that I have to enjoy. The only person that I can say I truely trust and know will be there to talk to whenever I need to is my father. Sure, I've got friends, but I don't have real friends. I'm the guy who is always fun to hang around with or talk to online. I'm not the one that someone calls up to go hang out with, unless on the very rare occasion, and that is uusally when they cannot find anyone else. Maybe its cause i never call anyone myself, but to be quite honest, i've grown a strong distaste for talking on the phone. For a time I had got to the point that when the phone rang, I would wonder if it was for me, and who it could be. Now I dont even care to answer when I hear it ring because I know it is either for my sister, mother, or usually father. I skipped school yesterday to get some work done, so my spring break ended when I went to school today. It felt different. I hadn't talked to or seen any of my friends from college for the whole week that I was away, and things felt different. It felt like I was more distant from them, even further away than what I was. Maybe by writting all this stuff I'm reaching some realization that, all in all, I'm truely alone. I know if you are reading this, and actually taking the time to know what I say, then you are thinking "You arent alone Brandon, I'm here for you." But as soon as you get offline you will go back to your life and the old prhase "out of sight out of mind" will take effect. I guess I just want someone to matter to, someone who will wait online just for me to get on, someone who will call me on a Saturday morning early enough to wake me up because they want to go do something and spend the day with me..not with a group of friends, just me....someone who I can just sit back and watch a movie as i hold her in my arms....oh well...guess you cant have everything you want...even if it is something as simple as happiness.

corrections to the first post

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 03:41:24 GMT

Ok, I just reread the first post. First of all, she was a freshman who should have been a junior, not a senior. Next, when she told me to chose the baby or my friend, I chose my friend, not her and the baby. Finally, the prom girl, girl over the summer after i graduated, and friend from college are each different girls, not her.

The Background on Me

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 22:52:07 GMT

Well. I used to keep a journal back in the day, but so many negative things happened that I just found no interest in writing any more. I had used the journal as a way to get my emotions out, but no matter how much I got out, there was still that much more left inside. I've looked back to see where everything started to go sour. Maybe it was when I got into high school. Maybe it was when my grandmother died. But then I think and realize when it got bad...Black March. 99.9% of the people who read this will have no idea what I am referring to, but it is a term that I have come up with to signify the days between February 26, 2002, and March 26, 2002. At that time I was a junior in high school, enjoying a relatively good year. Show choir was off to a promising year and track was right around the corner. Then disaster hit. A classmate of mine had dropped out of school a couple months prior to that. I did not know him well, but knew him none the less. It is hard to say you don’t know someone when you have a high school class of less than 200 people. Anyway, on the night of February 26th he was out driving a snowmobile and hit a telephone wire. It was one of those that came down at an angle from the top of the pole. Bam, in one quick instant a shroud of darkness came across my school, a shroud that had not been seen since my freshman year when two students in grades above me died, and a shroud that in many ways has still not been lifted from me. My classmates were in mourning, but my school, as ignorant and idiotic as they were, would not even hold a memorial service for him because he was not a "current student." Little did they know that the bleachers would have to be pulled out soon enough anyway. Exactly two weeks later two other classmates died in a car accident. No, they died in a car crash. Accidents cannot be prevented, that could have been. After school on March 12, 2002, four people entered a car, two never came out alive. I remember going to the wake that Thursday night and seeing more people show up to pay their respects than the number that show up to a high school dance. I would not go to the funeral though. I did not know the girls enough to warrant myself to miss school to mourn their passing, so I paid my respects that previous night at the wake. The driver of the car was not one of the deceased, yet due to injuries, did not discover the fate of her friends until she regained consciousness days after they had been laid to rest. It was at this tragic time that I saw the true cruelty in mankind. I can remember walking through the halls on Wednesday after the memorial service at the school. Wednesday was the day after they died, with the wake on Thursday. As I walked through the halls I heard freshman tell each other what they were going to do the rest of the day. I stopped and pretended to wait for a friend at a locker as I listened to them. The school had said that anyone who was too stricken with mourning would be allowed to go home for the remainder of the day. I listened to those inconsiderate creatures say how they didn't know either girl, but was going to say they did to get out of school. I was disgusted and appalled that someone could sink so low to do something like that. Granted, I am no saint, but I would never use the passing of someone to aid in my own affairs. Three deaths in the matter of fifteen days. How could things get any worse? At 3:10 p.m. on the Friday after the girls were buried the school was released for spring break. A whole week before Easter to relax and try to work everything out that still lay unresolved from the last few weeks before we went back to conclude the final portion of the school year. It was during this break that tragedy took its final blow. on Tuesday, March 26, 2002, exactly two weeks after the girls and four weeks after the boy, the fourth member of my class was to be lost. This one hitting home in a way never before imagined. I live in a town of roughly 250 people. It is all part of a school district that spans some twenty plus miles east to west and some ten plus miles north and south, all filled with small towns such as mine and farms. It is, all in all, one of the largest school districts in the state of Illinois as far as land size goes. On that Tuesday, a boy I had known my whole life killed himself. He lived a mere three blocks from me. When I refer to a block, I refer to my blocks, the ones in small towns where you have two, maybe three houses on each. We had drifted apart in high school, but friends we were none the less. Once again I attended the wake, but was so stricken with grief after seeing his mother that I could not bring myself to attend his funeral the next day. I also realized how much worse people can be. Not even a fifth of the people who I had saw attend those two girl's wake two weeks before showed up to his. Why you might ask? School was not in session. However, when school did resume, there were tears a plenty at the memorial. It took everything I had to keep from getting up and screaming at my school at how inconsiderate and pathetic I thought they were. To this day part of me still wishes I would have, as the principal gave the student body time for people to talk. I made a vow to myself that day that I would never become like them. I would never sink so low that I could do what they had done. However, there were some promising events that took place during Black March. I had never had a girlfriend, yet asked a girl to my junior prom. She was a freshman who should have been a senior, but she did accept. However, she had a boyfriend at the time, nothing serious, so we only went "as friends." I hate that term. I hate going to a dance with someone as just a friend, especially when one of them wants more. Anyway, the school year finished, and things seem to get better. As I look back now, it was more like things were lit up by a flashlight, but no battery is made to last. She broke up with her boyfriend on June 7, 2002, and two days later we got together. The next two months of my life were perhaps the best ever. I spent more time with her than I thought I'd be able to. I fell in love with her more than what I thought I could love. If possible, I would have moved heaven and earth for her. But love like that is not meant to last. In the middle of August her ex-boyfriend came back. Not the one who she was with before me, but a previous one, one she had accused of rape. However, he came back and she openly welcomed him. It had always been a dream of mine to be the hero, the knight in shining armor. I knew what he wanted, and try as I might I was determined to save her from him. But I came to realize that you cannot save someone from something they do not want saved from. However, I'm getting ahead of myself. Through the end of August I tried to keep her safe. I loved her so much and didn't want to lose her. It was for that reason that I gave in. She had sex with him before we were together and I knew that, just like a drug addict, she wanted more. I had spent all of August holding her off with other means, but my will to not submit was fading and I believed it to be the only way to save her. Therefore, on the last Friday of August, I lost my virginity to her, in the general sense. To be honest, it wasn't until October that I finally "released." I thought that would be enough, but he still kept coming and she still kept letting him. On Wednesday, September 18, 2002, I gave her the ultimatum: him or me. She actually said she didn't know. I was devastated, but stayed with her. The next day was a half-day and I spent the afternoon with her. That night I was home cleaning for my birthday party when the phone rang. It was my best friend. Him and a few other of our friends were at the mall and ran into her and him. She did not say anything to them and just walked the other way. Can you say busted. I was so upset that I went outside to my garage and punched anything I could find. First it was the flimsy siding of the garage. That wasn’t hard enough. Next it was drywall. Three sheets of drywall were stacked together and I put my fist through all of them. Before I finished I put a few good punches in on my garage door. As much and as hard as I punched, I should have broke my hand that night. Luckily I did not, as was confirmed that night after I went to the hospital. The next morning rage was flowing through me and I confronted her. Right as I was to say it was over she tells me she chose me. What was I to do? I believed her. The next day was my 18th birthday party. I had so many people there I could not name them all, but she was the guest of honor. Before her mother came to pick her up her and I danced on my deck under the stars with a friend of mine and his girl. I thought the worst was behind me. The next day, however, was actually my birthday. I asked her to come out and spend it with me but she wouldn't. I didn't think twice about it though because I knew she chose me. That was Sunday, September 22, 2002. The next day a friend of mine asked me how my new truck was. Curious I asked what she meant. She told me that she had seen a gold truck over at my girlfriend's house the day before and had figured I went over to show her. It was him. She spent my 18th birthday with him. That night I had to take my dad into the hospital for x-rays. He was sick and the doctors needed to see what it was. On the way home I drove by her house. I was not entirely mad that he was there the previous day because he had stuff to get. I drove by and he was there AGAIN. I stopped and when she came to the door she knew it was over. I yelled at her with a rage I had never felt. I skipped school the next day and stayed with my dad. Wednesday morning my rage had turned to sadness, and I asked her to take me back. I asked her to TAKE ME BACK. To this day I still regret doing that, but I did. That night was the night of a bon fire at school, and I chose to go to that. She said she was going to go to church instead. The next day I found out that he was there again. When I confronted her about it, she got mad at me, words were said, and it was finished. That Saturday I went to the homecoming dance with a friend of my sister's. It was pathetic. I didn't even dance with her. The majority of the night I held my head down. I missed her. I admit it. Even after all she did, I missed her. After a few weeks we started talking again. She said he was gone and she missed me. One night I was at a friend's birthday and I snuck over there. We ended up having sex. That was the forth time, but the first time I ever came. A few days later we got back together. Yes, I know I was stupid. We stayed together for a few weeks. However, half way through November I was informed that a couple people saw her out with him again. I was furious and ended it in a note, not even willing to look her in the eye. For almost a month we hardly spoke. Then, in mid December, she started apologizing to me. On Friday, December 20, 2002, we ran into each other at the mall. I was alone and she clung to me like paper glued together. She asked me if I wanted to go back to her place and watch a movie. I accepted. One thing led to another and I had sex with her for the 6th time in my life. It was unprotected and I was so nervous I didn't even come close. Yes, I was a complete idiot. Six days later she asked me to go shopping with her and her niece. I did and then about 11 am we went back to her house. It was quite humorous. She set her niece in her bedroom playing playstation as she dragged me into the spare room where we had sex again, for the 7th time. This time it was protected, which was good because I did come. Then, on December 30th, she told me what I least needed to hear. "I'm late." On New years day we took the test, and she was pregnant. I told my parents the same day, completely sure the baby was mine. On January 9th, 2003, we officially got back together. Thing were perfect for the next two months. I cared for her and it was like old times, good times. During that time we had sex 3 more times, but the fear was gone, and I never held back any more. Then, on March 1st, hell broke loose. She called me and told me her dad finally found out and she was kicked out of the house. She spent that night at my place. The next day she got mad at me and told me I was worse than the guy who raped her, her ex boyfriend who she kept going to. Things were somewhat resolved, although it still stung. She had her first actual doctor appointment that day and I went along with. The doctor informed us of the baby's health, expected day to be born, and day of conception. Things slowly got back to good standings and I muted out what I had heard. I'll tell you what in a second. However, on Wednesday, she got upset at my friend and told me to choose between him and the baby. I told her not to do that, but she insisted. I told her the baby. She yelled and I came out with the truth to all my friends around. According to the doctor, the baby was conceived on or around December 10, 2002. I had sex with her on December 20, 2002. From that point it was over, and we would never be together again. However, the damage was done. She swore to everyone that she I was the only possible father. For the next few months I could feel the disgust that people had when they looked at me. I was the guy who got the girl pregnant and then tried to leave and not take responsibility. Every time I sensed this I sank lower into hell. My own personal hell. I tried to get out, to find some to hold on to, bring me back into the light. But I never could. I had a date to prom. I planned on asking her out at prom. She canceled on me the day before. Lower I sank. Then came graduation. Show choir was over. The play was over. Everything that I knew was about to end, to change, and I was scared. Sure, I hated my school, but I was afraid of what was to come. I graduated, ranking 13th in my class. The summer started and there was little to do. Some friends left for army, others on vacation. I began to grow increasingly interested in a friend. However, after traveling 2.5 hours to see her perform and surprise her, she lied to me and while I was gone on vacation for five days, she started dating another guy. Deeper I sank. My parents were also having troubles, and that was as helping as a loaded gun to a suicidal man. Then, on August 30, 2003, she had the baby. It wasn't until about two weeks later, but I went and saw her. She was beautiful. I was a father. Yes, I know. All the evidence pointed away, but I held her in my arms and fell in love. For two months I was the father to that little girl. However, nothing is meant to last. The mother was being reluctant to have a paternity test run. Therefore, during the middle of October, we had a home test taken. The only ones who knew were my immediate family. On the first Monday of November, I got the results in an email. The baby was not mine. The physical results were received on Thursday, and on Friday I confronted her. I haven’t seen her since. Anyway, school was going ok. I received a full ride to a two-year college. However, I'm still in the dark. I try to hide it, but I am. I fell head over heals for one of my friends, but she only wanted friendship. Who knows, maybe that is all I have to offer to anyone. People tell me I need to stop holding on to the past and let things go. I cant. I have nothing solid to hold on to in the present. In November my dog died. I was devastated. His last night we stayed up with him. I felt miserable because I knew what was going to happen and there was nothing I could do. He would always sleep my bed and to this day I have only slept in my bed 4 times since he died. I keep hoping I will find someone who can pull is back, but sometimes it feels like I've fallen too far to be saved.